The cold, hard truth is that my first marriage of 18 years evolved into me treating my husband like a kindergartner. Other people actually referred to him as my third child (we have two children together). I learned how to slice and dice his inadequacies with my razor sharp, sarcastic tongue. There were many challenges and it is difficult to say if this marriage could have been healed through me showing him honor. After the slow, painful failure of that marriage I swore that I would never be involved in another relationship where I didn’t honor my man. I have now been remarried for 6 wonderful years. It has been a conscious decision to honor and respect my new husband because I wanted to be married to a man, not a boy.

Throughout our entire American culture there is a disrespect for men from the women that are supposed to love them. I am heart broken by this behavior. I see it everywhere. Now that I think about it, I can’t think of a place that I don’t see it. It has become a norm that I do not understand. I can’t understand why it exists because it doesn’t serve anyone.

I understand how it happened, but not why it has evolved into a normal part of our culture. I believe women were trying to hold their men to a higher standard which they couldn’t do unless they verbalized what their expectation was. After all, a guy can only live up to an expectation if he knows what it is. However, “expectation” is defined as PRECONCEIVED RESENTMENT! So the expectation is set. The guy knows you didn’t believe he could figure it out on his own which deflated his ego and discouraged him from trying at all. Congratulations you have created a guy who believes he is going to fail in your eyes. So why should he even try now?

Let the years of further preconceived resentments and overall disappointment continue until you have created a lump of male flesh who feels defeated even within his own mind. That wife typically ends up with two scenarios: 1) a guy who won’t try at all because you will never be happy anyway or 2) a guy who has completely lost his ability to form his own thought and has to be told to do everything. Why? Because he doesn’t want to do the wrong thing so he just doesn’t do anything at all, unless he is told. If you haven’t noticed, that guy that you loved that was strong, independent, smart and motivated is now a shell of that man. All he ever wanted was your respect and love, for you to feel proud of him, for who he was and what he was capable of. Instead he got criticism and orders and so he succumbed to make you happy; problem is you STILL aren’t happy. He has no idea why. He is either doing everything you ask or gave up and is doing nothing you ask.

If you don’t honor your husband, start there. You don’t have to agree with every last thing he does, but maybe you don’t ridicule, demean and belittle him when you don’t. ESPECIALLY in public! Hmmm? Thank him for the things he does do. There is SOMETHING you are grateful that he does. Tell him. Tell him thank you and that you are proud of him as much as you can – without being ridiculous. A guy’s ego goes a long way. Let him know that you trust his decisions; that you honor him as the man of your house. If you have stripped him of all his masculinity it may take a while to re-establish, but if he does something you appreciate. Tell him! If he is afraid to make decisions it may be because of the reaction he has gotten from you in the past. If he is afraid of your judgement then that is a lot of pressure on a guy to make a decision that effects the ENTIRE household. He will delay because he knows that you don’t really stand behind him. Even if you say you do – do your actions say otherwise? Sit down and really think about the words, reactions and behaviors that you have exhibited that have let your husband know loud and clear that you didn’t appreciate his choices. We all screw up. We all deserve grace.

God created man to lead the home. Women were not created to bear the weight of that. We are equal partners there to support and give input, but God gave men stronger shoulders (and less emotion) to handle stress so that we don’t have to. You want your man to lead and know that you are right behind him cheering him on. You have chosen to divide things up by the strengths God has given each of you in household decisions, but both of you should be respectful, honest, grateful and honoring for the tasks that the other contributes. No partner should be carrying the burdens alone. If you have contributed to more of those challenges landing on your shoulders, it may be time to re-evaluate whether your husband stepped down because you were stepping all over him. This may not apply to every woman, but it is so prevalent that it needs to carefully considered. If you are not lifting each other up then you are burying each other in resentments which is not where anyone wants to be. Transform your marriage! Respect and lift each other up!

Proverbs 12:4 “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.”