When I am not writing, I have been a professional dog groomer for 21 years. During those years I have learned a lot about ALL that is canine and have thus become a bit of a self-proclaimed dog whisperer. Regardless, not much surprises me anymore regarding our precious pup friends until the day I heard the following tragic story…. Family friends had their house burn down in the middle of the night. Everyone managed to get out of the house safely to the middle of their street, everyone was accounted for including their two dogs. As they watched the firemen try to fight the fire, their house and everything they owned went up in flames. They were very grateful that at least everyone was safe, until they realized that their two dogs who had been with them had gotten scared and retreated back to their known place of safety….inside the house. Sadly, one dog suffered extreme smoke inhalation and recovered, but the other poor pup was not so lucky and passed away. This story just dumbfounded me that in a stressful, chaotic situation that the two dogs would choose to run back into a burning house instead of remain safe with their family outside. They allowed fear of the unknown to take over logical decision making and returned to the only place that they understood to always be safe. It was a situation that I had never heard of before and it still saddens me so much to think about. It is just so heartbreaking.

I have had time to ponder over it and it makes me think of our own behavior in chaotic situations where we choose to continue to return to situations that are toxic for us. We know that it is not a healthy place for us to be, but it is what we know. No matter how dysfunctional it is, it somehow seems comfortable and normal to us because we just don’t know what else we could possibly do.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. – Albert Einstein

Specifically, I am referring to any kind of relationship that is toxic. This could be applied to a relationship of any kind whether it be family, friends, marriage or work. Anything that doesn’t allow you to be who you were created to be, to grow, to make mistakes and learn from them, to repent and be forgiven, be trusted and appreciated. If these things are not part of your environment in these areas then you may need to evaluate whether this is a healthy place for you to remain.

Proverbs 22:24-25 Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, ²⁵ or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.

Let me be brutally clear here, abuse comes in many forms and is not always physical. Verbal, mental and emotional abuse are just as real and damaging. I am not going to go into a lot of detail here, but I know what it is to be in a toxic relationship. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship that  increased in severity for 25 years before I walked away from my marriage. I am in no way an advocate for divorce, my personal experiences and those of others have proven repeatedly that divorce just creates an entirely new set of challenges, it is never the “easy” way out. However, if you have prayed, sought counseling and EVERY form of reconciliation possible without resolution then it may be time to separate yourself from the abuse. That is a choice that you alone will have to make. (If you are in this position within marriage please contact me, I would love to help you in any way that I can. There is a resource that I wish that I had had at my disposal during this time in my life. It would have made it a more healthy experience for me and could quite possibly help you AVOID a divorce. Redemptive Divorce by Mark Gaither). 

Proverbs 15:29 The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous.

Why do we return to what we logically understand to be damaging to us? Largely I think we lean on our own understanding. We can’t trust our own logic which is obviously flawed or we wouldn’t be in the unhealthy situation in the first place! God specifically tells us NOT to lean on our own understanding!

Proverbs 3:5 lean not on your own understanding

Human behavior can be incredibly manipulative, often the manipulation increases slowly over time so it is hard to even know how the situation evolved into what it is today. It has been a slow process of deception and mistrust that if you had been able to see coming clearly you would have avoided altogether. However, now that it has been brought to a slow boil over months or years it is really difficult to look back and see how you got here….or worse yet how to heal it.

It is really important to take a step back and as much as possible determine how you SHOULD be treated. You are a unique creation of God, that’s how you SHOULD be treated. Decide what that looks like and why YOU are allowing abuse to continue. I know you may not have complete control over what is going on in your environment and you may not safely be able to stand up to it, but you are CHOOSING TO REMAIN and BELIEVE that things will be different this time.

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. – Henry Ford

You must establish boundaries and decide how YOU will allow that person to treat you. If they are verbally abusive then limit the opporunities for them to talk to you, which may mean choosing not to be in their presence. If there isn’t respectful communication then do not answer the call or text. If the conversation escalates then give them an opportunity to calm down or end the conversation. I know this is much more difficult than it sounds, but do not give up the power that YOU have in the situation. Do not delay in dealing with this environment. It has not changed up to this point and there is no reason to believe that the insanity will randomly change for no reason now. It is up to YOU to make the changes you need to make to heal, which may mean temporary separation. It may mean quitting that job. It may mean not going to family gatherings or only communicating via text or email. 

My ex-husband was doing so many behaviors that were unhealthy for our children after we divorced. I remember trying desperately to get him to put the emotional well-being of our children first to no avail. I vividly remember a friend saying to me “You couldn’t control him when you were married, why in the world do you think you can control him now?” Indeed, why did I? Because even though I had created separation, made boundaries and worked to heal my own hurts I was STILL on the crazy cycle with him and still trying to “control” the insanity…which I might add was never to be controlled.

It took a lot of work on my part to heal from 25 years of mental manipulation. I had to trust that God was with me through so many impossible situations. My faith grew exponentially during this time. I relied on MANY people to guide me HOW to communicate, set and keep boundaries. The Codependency groups at Celebrate Recovery were a huge place of healing for me and I would encourage anyone to join one near you. I literally had no idea how to do things any differently. If I had, I wouldn’t have been in that situation! The chaos had been my norm for so long that I could no longer define what normal should look like. That is probably true for anyone in an abusive situation. You CANNOT control another person, you can only control YOU!

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Take responsibility for what you have contributed to the issues and learn from them and then develop boundaries so that the healing can actually occur. You may be 10% of the problem and they may be 90%, but learn from this experience. If nothing else you have chosen to REMAIN and allow the unhealthy behaviors to continue, you can’t blame anyone else for that. I know it is a bitter pill to swallow, but one that you need to be accountable for. Quit trying to infuse logic into insanity. It DOES NOT WORK! Lastly, you simply cannot be who God created you to be if every last ounce of your energy is spent just trying to endure the next day of a traumatic relationship. Quit trying to find refuge in a burning house!

Proverbs 15 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. ² The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly. ⁴ The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit. ⁷ The lips of the wise spread knowledge, but the hearts of fools are not upright. ⁹ The Lord detests the way of the wicked, but he loves those who pursue righteousness. ¹² Mockers resent correction, so they avoid the wise. ¹³ A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. ¹⁴ The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly. ¹⁸ A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. ²¹ Folly brings joy to one who has no sense, but whoever has understanding keeps a straight course. ²⁶ The Lord detests the thoughts of the wicked, but gracious words are pure in his sight. ²⁸ The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.