The truth is that I was struggling. I was crying out to God. I was trying so hard to trust him. I was in a very difficult marriage and could barely maintain my sanity most days. Then came the day that I surrendered it all to God. COMPLETE SURRENDER OF ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. And not like I usually did it in the past. Not the “Oh I don’t know what to do so I’ll give it to God and take it back in the morning.” Or “I’ll trust God if it looks like things are going the way I want”. No TOTAL SURRENDER. I give up and I don’t care what happens to any part of my life surrender. To me this meant I would accept losing my home which would also mean losing my in-home business and all sources of income. If I lost my home and business then I would trust that he had a different direction for me and would sustain me. There was not ONE SINGLE person in my life who thought I would be able to financially keep my home. NOT ONE. The voices of fear and advice around me where LOUD! The suggestions were so tempting, so very tempting not to trust God and do what made more worldly sense. It meant trusting the safety and welfare of my children to God when I was required by law to leave them in an unhealthy situation with their biological father. I didn’t realize how deep the pain would run having to trust God with the lives of my children. But I had to. I didn’t get a plan B…other than the occasional thought that I should just take them and run and keep running the rest of my life. Somehow in the fog of desperation I could still understand that wasn’t what God would want, but it didn’t bring much comfort at the time.